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Why does neediness in other people disgust me?

Self-inquiry exercises • Independence • Anger • Shame August 23, 2026

"The disgust you feel at someone else's neediness may be the size of that need you were never allowed to have."

If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.

Seeker
There’s a woman on my team, Priya, and every time she asks for reassurance I want to leave the room. “Did I do this right? Are you sure it’s okay?” It’s constant. It makes my skin crawl.
Guide
What’s the crawl like? Not what she does, the feeling in you.
Seeker
Like watching someone beg. It’s undignified. Just do the work and stop fishing. You’d feel it too.
Guide
Maybe. But I notice you want me to sign off on it. Like it matters that I agree she’s unbearable.
Seeker
Because she is. Is that not allowed?
Guide
It’s allowed. I’m just staying with the fact that “she asks for reassurance sometimes” and “I want to flee the building” aren’t the same size. The gap is the interesting part.
Seeker
So it’s my problem. Great.
Guide
Not a problem. A clue. Disgust is a strong word for a coworker who checks her work.
Seeker
It’s not the checking. It’s the neediness. The needing to be told. There’s something weak in it. Needing someone else to hold you up.
Guide
Say that again. “Needing someone to hold you up.”
Seeker
What?
Guide
You said it like it’s the worst thing a person can do.
Seeker
Because it is quite honestly. You handle yourself. You don’t hang off other people going please please tell me I’m okay. Nobody was there to do that for me and I turned out fine.
Guide
There it is, the rule. Handle yourself, nobody’s coming.
Seeker
Don’t do the therapy thing.
Guide
I’m not naming anything you didn’t just say. You said nobody was there and you turned out fine. That’s a lot to carry into how one coworker asks a question.
Seeker
I didn’t have the luxury of asking. If I’d walked around like Priya I’d have been eaten alive. You learned fast or you didn’t get anything.
Guide
So she does the thing you weren’t allowed to do.
Seeker
That’s completely different. She’s not in danger. She just, she just gets to.
Guide
Gets to what.
Seeker
Ask. She gets to ask and someone answers her. And it’s fine.
Guide
And when you ask?
Seeker
I don’t, I don’t ask. That’s the whole point, I don’t do that.
Guide
I’m not going to tell you what that is. But you went from disgust to “she gets to” pretty fast, and those don’t usually sit next to each other unless something underneath is a bit tangled.
Seeker
It’s not envy. Don’t say envy. I’m not jealous of a grown woman who can’t function without a pat on the head.
Guide
I didn’t say envy.
Seeker
…
Guide
You okay?
Seeker
The pat on the head. I said it like it’s pathetic. But I don’t actually know what that feels like. To ask and have someone just, answer you, easily. I genuinely don’t.
Guide
Yeah.
Seeker
That’s not, I’m not going to sit here and cry about a coworker. Forget it.
Guide
You don’t have to do anything with it. It’s just louder now than “she’s unbearable,” isn’t it.
Seeker
A little. I don’t like it.

When did you learn that needing something from another person made you weak, and who taught you?

What actually shifted

Disgust at other people's neediness often points back at a buried need, not at their weakness. For some, needing was made shameful early, so it survives only as revulsion when someone else shows it openly. When that is the pattern, the contempt is usually the size of the need itself, not a judgment of the person who showed it.

Your turn

Where does this show up in your life?

Bring it as it is: a moment coming up, or the way it keeps returning. We find a step that fits how you want to live, and come back to how it went.

You make an account after Start. What you wrote is kept.

Or start from this question:

SelfChatter is a space for self-reflection, not therapy. It is not a medical device and does not diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any medical or mental health condition. For medical advice, talk to a doctor or another qualified professional. If you are in crisis, contact your local emergency services or a crisis line.

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