"You may be waiting to be told you are an adult by someone whose job that was, and isn't anymore. Sadly nobody is going to hand you the badge."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I’m 34. I have a job, a mortgage, I made dinner for friends last week. And I still feel like I’m pretending to be an adult. Like any minute someone’s going to notice.
Companion
Notice what, specifically?
Seeker
That I am actually not sure of myself. That I’m still just a kid. I mean I’m not really an adult yet
Companion
Okay. I’ve felt versions of this. Can I ask something kind of basic though. When you picture an adult, like a real one, who are you picturing?
Seeker
I don’t know. Someone who has it figured out. My dad, I guess. Or this image of my dad from when I was ten.
Companion
Huh. Ten-year-old’s dad.
Seeker
Yeah, which is ridiculous because he didn’t have it figured out either, I know that now.
Companion
Right. But that’s the bar.
Seeker
I mean, no, intellectually I know better.
Companion
Sure, intellectually. But when you say “I’m not really an adult yet,” you’re measuring against something. Something specific.
Seeker
Okay. Maybe. But it’s not just my dad. It’s like… there’s supposed to be a moment. Where you become it. And I haven’t had the moment.
Companion
What would the moment look like?
Seeker
I don’t know. Someone telling me, I guess. That sounds insane when I say it out loud.
Companion
It doesn’t sound insane to me. It sounds pretty common actually. But I’m curious who you imagine doing the telling.
Seeker
Yeah. That’s the thing. There isn’t anyone. My parents are old, they’re not going to suddenly turn around and go “congratulations, you’re in the club.” That’s not coming.
Companion
No.
Seeker
Still, I am waiting for it. Like a ritual. Like “you are part of the tribe now”.
Companion
That is so true. We don’t have such rituals any more. Not real ones.
Seeker
And I think part of me has been waiting for it. Like genuinely waiting. Doing all the adult stuff but kind of holding my breath for someone to confirm it counts.
Companion
Yeah. I just realize how much I am missing such a moment too.
Seeker
Yes, we should have such moments, don’t we. So now what, I just… declare it? That feels stupid too.
Companion
I don’t know. I’m not sure declaring is the move. I think you might just be seeing the shape of it for the first time. That you’ve been waiting for a person who isn’t coming.
Seeker
That’s worse though. Because then it’s on me.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
Huh.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I don’t have anywhere to go with that right now.
Companion
You don’t have to.
Who is the person you've been waiting for, to tell you that you've crossed over?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.