In a “perfect world”, conflicts would not be hard to handle. I tell you what I want, you tell me what you want and we find a solution that is acceptable for both of us.
Most of us look at conflicts as dramas and as dangerous situations. We unconsciously connect the present situation to a dramatic/traumatic event that happened to us in the past and we project it to the present moment.
When a familiar situation arises that resembles a previous event that we once deemed threatening we fall into the “black hole” of panic, anger, fear and you name it. And in this “black hole” we can only use a degraded way of coping.
Another aspect that makes it hard for the majority of us to get out of the “black hole” is that usually everybody around us gets triggered in such situations. It is hard not to be in a panic when everyone else is.
Here is another aspect or possible setup: (This doesn’t necessarily involve a feeling of panic and fear, but anger.) We feel betrayed and angry because we find that the other person is immoral or unfair with their request. While this may be the case experience shows that in most cases this is not the case but rather our misjudgment – or it is because the other person thinks the same about us so they “fight back”.
One more possible aspect: Shame. We feel shame that we ask for something. So our shame triggers us and we go into the conflict situation with a sense of fear already.
One – probably the biggest – obstacle to most of us is that when we are in an emotionally triggering situation we cannot think clearly and cannot calm our emotions. This is exactly how trauma works: We become unconscious and degraded in our abilities. Psychologists say that the way out of it is to revisit our trauma(s) and take a look, this time with a conscious eye. And a miracle may happen that we may have a window of opportunity to “rewrite” them.
Once I am not triggered emotionally and mentally by the conflict situation I realize that conflicts are all normal, they are not dramatic or dangerous situations, it is ok to have needs – all in all just a normal part of human life.
