“My avoidant behavior comes from my most basic need of being connected.” If this resonates with you, this exercise may be valuable to you.
Self-Observation on my avoidant nature
- I am trying to protect myself.
- It is natural to me that I am trying to protect myself.
- My avoidant nature is self-protection.
- What I can say now that it is ‘this situation’ that I want to avoid.
- I cannot say what I want to avoid. This is why I am saying ‘this situation’. This moment.
- If I avoid it that means I am safe from its bad effects.
- I cannot say what this something is that I want to avoid. It is not conscious but I know that it is not good for me.
Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper
- There is something that is strange: Why do I stay in it if it is not good for me? If I just walked away there would be nothing to avoid.
- This something that I want to avoid is not here now but it is an image in my head.
- Ah, ok: I want this situation. I am attached to it.
- Then it is again a connection issue, a relationship issue. I need the connection, I am attached to it.
- I want connection but I got used to being in connection that is not fully good for me.
- So what I do is stay in it but avoid it, avoid parts of it. I don’t have a better idea.
- I am in two worlds at the same time.
- What two worlds?
- I want to be myself and want to be in connection. But right now my belief is that if I am in connection then I cannot be myself.
- The reality is that in many connections it is true.
- So what will give me the motivation, the strength to be myself, no matter what?
The above self-observation exercise is just one possible flow of associations. It is meant to stimulate you and by no means it is implied that it is about you.
(If you are new to the concept of self-observation or looking for some practical guidance then maybe read this article: How Self-Observation Works)
