“My ego is playing a trick with me; This is why I find that God doesn't help me.”
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself. It is a real self-inquiry — one person’s inner dialogue on this question, unaltered except for readability.
Self-observation on why God doesn’t help me
- I need God to help me; I feel miserable.
- Why doesn’t God help me? It doesn’t make sense. I am in need.
- Ah ok. I look at God as someone whose job is to help me. Then my relationship with God, and the way I look at God may be all wrong.
- I made God into an entity whose sole job is to help me out. A savior.
- I also think of God as someone outside of me. Someone, something separate from me.
- I understand these and still I feel miserable and I am close to giving up.
- I feel that I have to make the first step. Not God. But I cannot say why. And it doesn’t make sense to me that I have to take the first step. As I am in need.
- Oh, I think I know: God is in me. I am essentially a part of God. If I make the first step, God will respond. Hmm; This is good but it doesn’t help.
- Maybe this helps. My ego is playing this trick that it makes me feel that I don’t have enough.
- Why does my ego do it? Ah, ok; This is the ego’s trick to make the right for its existence. If there wasn’t a problem, my ego would not have a reason to exist.
- I mean my ego is making me unsatisfied and this way I identify with my ego. And what my ego wins ultimately is existence.
- My ego has to keep me unsatisfied and miserable. Otherwise, it would become obvious that it doesn’t really exist after all.
- Meditation helps when I can just observe my thoughts ‘from the outside’ and keep in mind that they are just thoughts. Not me.
- I understand why I find that God doesn’t help. But I still feel miserable. Something still needs to change in my understanding.
- I still find that things are unfair. And I am in need. And I don’t really have motivation.
- I still have this mental construct that I am missing something and someone or something needs to give it to me. This is how I look at God…with this need…
- No wonder I do not find God, cannot believe in her. God isn’t this.
- Who has to do the first step? God or me?
- This question only makes sense with my ego’s logic.
- Of course I have to do the first step! There isn’t actually such a thing as ‘first one’ or ‘second one’ to move. This is an error caused by my perception.
- I take the first step as soon as I understand that there is no need for anyone or anything to save me. I am not in need actually.
If you stopped waiting to be saved — what would be the first thing you’d do differently?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter’s journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.