Self-Observation on why I don’t activate my life.

• I don’t ‘activate’ my life because I am waiting for something to happen. I find that until that something happens it doesn’t make sense for me to ‘activate’ myself.  
• There is fear for sure why I don’t do things. But I understand that this exercise will go deeper than this. As I am writing I know already that it will be about meaning. 
• I had ‘activated’ my life many times and it certainly felt the right direction for a while.  
• Why don’t I ‘activate’ my life? In other words, why don’t I live the life I would like? I feel that something is blocking me from doing that. I don’t know what this block is.
• I cannot tell what I would like exactly. Is that a problem?
• I realize something that is more important, some great news. I don’t activate myself because I don’t want those things, that kind of life that I could ‘activate’ now.
• This is confusing and mystical. I want to live a different life and I still think I cannot live it because I am missing something. But I am at the understanding that this thing cannot come from outside. So I am telling myself that I shall change within but I am missing something within. Confusing because one is not a cause of the other but clearly they come to exist at the same time. How can such a thing happen? 
• I was lost before when I ‘activated’ my life based on what I want from the outside world. I don’t want that any more, I want true meaning. I understand that thankfully this means that I am in fact not lost any more. 
• Maybe I shall just go on in any way I am able right now and that’s all. Even if things are confusing. Like as I am writing this post knowing that it is confuse and not being sure if anyone ever reads it or finds it valuable. 
• It is the realization that I am confused is the most valuable for me now.