"What looks like empathy might be an old scan that never turned off. Somewhere, I learned that other people's moods were my job."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I feel responsible for everyone’s feelings. If my partner is quiet, I’m already trying to fix it. If a coworker is off, I take it home with me. It’s exhausting.
Companion
Exhausting how?
Seeker
Like I can’t stop tracking people. Even strangers. I’ll notice a waiter seems annoyed and I’ll spend the whole meal trying to cheer her up.
Companion
There’s a difference between feeling what someone feels and feeling responsible for it. You’re describing the second one.
Seeker
I know. I’ve read about this. I know I’m codependent or whatever. Knowing doesn’t change it.
Companion
I believe you. So let’s not go at it from knowing. When someone near you is upset, what do you actually think will happen if you don’t fix it?
Seeker
I don’t know. Something bad.
Companion
Stay there. Something bad like what?
Seeker
I don’t know. It just feels urgent. Like I have to do something or it’ll get worse.
Companion
Worse for them, or worse for you?
Seeker
…Both, I guess. I hadn’t separated those.
Companion
When did you first learn to watch people that carefully?
Seeker
I don’t love this question.
Companion
Okay.
Seeker
My mom, she wasn’t abusive or anything. She just had moods. You’d walk in the door and you had to figure out which version of her you got. My dad would check with me first. He’d literally ask me what kind of day she was having before he came inside.
Companion
How old were you?
Seeker
I don’t know. Eight? Nine? It was just normal.
Companion
Your dad used you as the reading.
Seeker
Yes.
Companion
So being good at sensing other people — that wasn’t a personality trait. That was a post you held.
Seeker
I just gave an example. Anyways, that’s a weird way to put it.
Companion
Is it wrong?
Seeker
No. It’s just that I’ve always thought of it as being sensitive. Caring. Like it was the good part of me.
Companion
It might be caring now. But it started as something else.
Seeker
Watching.
Companion
Yes.
Seeker
So when I’m with my partner and he goes quiet, I’m not actually being loving. I’m scanning. I’m eight years old checking the weather.
Companion
What does that feel like to say?
Seeker
Bad. I thought I was being a good partner. I thought that was love.
Companion
Take your time.
Seeker
I don’t even know what I’d do if I stopped. Like, who am I if I’m not the one noticing everything.
Companion
You don’t have to answer that tonight.
Seeker
I feel kind of sick.
Companion
Yes. That makes sense.
When you're with someone you love and they go quiet, are you feeling with them, or checking to see if you're safe?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.