"When old desires go quiet, the quiet is usually information, not damage. Something in you is done with those, and the next thing hasn't shown up yet."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I don’t want the things I used to want. The job I worked ten years to get. The life I said I wanted. I look at it and it’s just… flat. And that scares me because I don’t know if I’m depressed or what.
Companion
Yeah, that’s a disorienting one. Can I ask, when you say flat, is it flat like nothing feels good, or flat like specifically those things don’t pull you anymore?
Seeker
The second one, I think. I can still enjoy a walk. I laughed at something my friend said yesterday. But the big stuff, the things I was building toward, I look at them and there’s nothing there.
Companion
Okay. That’s actually a pretty important distinction. Because if the whole system were off, I’d be thinking about one thing. But this sounds more targeted. Like the charge drained out of specific things.
Seeker
But those were my things. That was my whole plan. If I don’t want them, what do I want?
Companion
I don’t know. And I’m going to guess you don’t either, which is part of what makes this so uncomfortable.
Seeker
Right. So what do I do.
Companion
Honestly I’m not sure. Can I try something out loud? I might be off.
Seeker
Go.
Companion
You’re treating the not-wanting as the problem. Like it’s a malfunction you have to fix so you can get back to wanting those things. But I’m not sure that’s what’s happening.
Seeker
What else would it be.
Companion
Maybe you’re just done with them.
Seeker
That can’t be right. I worked so hard for this.
Companion
I know. That’s why it’s hard to say.
Seeker
…
Companion
Take your time.
Seeker
If I say I’m done with them I have to throw away a decade.
Companion
Do you? Or do you just have to stop pretending you still want them.
Seeker
Those feel like the same thing.
Companion
They might be. I don’t actually know your situation well enough to say. I just notice you’ve been describing this like you failed to want something, and I’m not sure that’s what you’re doing. You’re not failing. The wanting left.
Seeker
The wanting left.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
That’s different.
Companion
It’s different.
Seeker
I’ve been trying so hard to get it back. Like if I just disciplined myself enough, or remembered why I started, it would come back online.
Companion
How’s that been going?
Seeker
Terrible. I feel worse every time I try.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I don’t know what I want instead.
Companion
I sure understand you want to know.
Seeker
That’s annoying I don’t know what I want.
Companion
I know.
Seeker
I thought you were going to tell me what the new thing is.
Companion
I really can’t. I don’t think it’s visible yet. And how would I know what your new thing is. I think you’re in the part where the old thing went quiet and the new thing hasn’t shown up.
Seeker
That sounds like a long part.
Companion
It can be.
Seeker
Okay.
Companion
Yes.
Seeker
I think I’ve been grieving and calling it being broken.
Companion
That tracks.
Seeker
Okay. I don’t feel better exactly. But I’m less scared of it.
Companion
That seems about right.
What would change if you treated the loss of your old wants as a report from yourself, rather than a problem to fix?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.