"The pattern of losing yourself in relationships often traces back to an unconscious deal you made as a child: I'll disappear to keep you close."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I keep doing it again. I meet someone, and within weeks I can’t remember what I even liked before them. Their interests become mine. Their problems become my whole world. Then months later I wake up and don’t recognize myself.
Guide
What happens to your own wants when you’re with someone?
Seeker
They’re still there, I think. They just seem less important. Like, why would I insist on Thai food if they want Italian? It’s easier to just go along. And they feel better that way.
Guide
Is it just about food?
Seeker
No. It’s everything. The music I listen to changes. I stop seeing certain friends if they don’t like them. I even changed careers once because my ex thought consulting was soulless.
Guide
You changed careers for someone else’s opinion?
Seeker
Well, they had a point. And I wanted them to respect me.
Guide
What happened to what you wanted from your career?
Seeker
I don’t know. When they put it that way, what I wanted seemed… selfish? Shallow? I can’t explain it.
Guide
When you’re alone, do you know what you want?
Seeker
Yes. Completely. I have strong opinions, actually. Plans. Dreams. But when I’m with someone, it all becomes negotiable.
Guide
Not negotiable. Erasable.
Seeker
That’s harsh.
Guide
You said you don’t recognize yourself months later. Where does the person with strong opinions go?
Seeker
I’m still there. I just accommodate. Compromise.
Guide
You changed careers. That’s not compromise.
Seeker
Fine. You’re right. I disappear. Happy?
Guide
What are you angry about?
Seeker
I’m not angry. I just know what you’re trying to do. Make me see I have no boundaries or whatever. I’ve read the books.
Guide
But you’re still disappearing.
Seeker
Yeah.
Guide
When did you first learn to do this?
Seeker
What do you mean?
Guide
This skill of reading what someone needs and becoming it. When did you develop it?
Seeker
I don’t know. I’ve always been this way.
Guide
Always?
Seeker
My mom was… she needed a lot. Not in a demanding way. She was just sad a lot. Overwhelmed. Very anxious. My dad did what he could. They talked a lot. Not many things could ease my mother’s anxiety.
Guide
What did she need from you?
Seeker
Company. Someone to talk to. Someone who calms her.
Guide
How old were you?
Seeker
Eight? Nine? It wasn’t bad. We were close.
Guide
What happened when you had your own needs?
Seeker
I had needs. She took care of me.
Guide
Emotional needs. Different opinions. Your own interests.
Seeker
Huh… I remember wanting to quit piano because I loved soccer. She’d played piano as a girl but had to stop. She never said I couldn’t quit, but I could see how happy it made her when I played.
Guide
So you kept playing.
Seeker
For six more years.
Guide
What else did you do for her happiness?
Seeker
Jesus. Everything? I listened to her problems. Agreed with her opinions about the family. Became interested in her books, her shows. In my dreams I always helped her. God, I even started hating my aunt because mom felt betrayed by her.
Guide
You became who she needed.
Seeker
I wanted her to be happy.
Guide
What would have happened if you’d been yourself instead?
Seeker
She would have been alone.
Guide
And you?
Seeker
I would have lost her. Not literally, but the connection. The specialness. I needed her. She needed me.
Guide
She needed someone. But not you. Not the real you.
Seeker
Fuck.
Guide
What are you seeing?
Seeker
I’m still doing it. Thirty years later, I’m still being what someone needs so they won’t be alone. So I won’t lose them.
Guide
Except now?
Seeker
Now I lose myself instead. Every time.
Guide
You learned that being yourself means being abandoned.
Seeker
But that’s not true.
Guide
The eight-year-old in you doesn’t know that.
Seeker
So what do I do?
Guide
What happens if you risk being yourself?
Seeker
They might leave.
Guide
And if they do?
Seeker
Then they never loved me anyway. They loved who I pretended to be.
Guide
Now what?
Seeker
I don’t know. Now I really feel abandoned.
Who would you be in your current relationship if you stopped trying to complete what's missing in them?
Where does this show up in your life?
Bring it as it is: a moment coming up, or the way it keeps returning. We find a step that fits how you want to live, and come back to how it went.
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SelfChatter is a space for self-reflection, not therapy. It is not a medical device and does not diagnose, treat, cure or prevent any medical or mental health condition. For medical advice, talk to a doctor or another qualified professional. If you are in crisis, contact your local emergency services or a crisis line.