"Not belonging is sometimes a real condition: you've outgrown the old containers and haven't built new ones yet. But it can also be a habit of arriving pre-edited, then mistaking the resulting non-fit for proof."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I don’t belong anywhere. Not really. Family, work, the few friends I have. I’m always sort of next to it.
Companion
Next to it. That’s a specific word. Not outside, not inside.
Seeker
Yeah. Like I’m at the table but I’m watching the table.
Companion
How long has it been like this?
Seeker
Always, kind of. But worse the last few years. I keep thinking I’ll find my people and I never do.
Companion
I’ve bumped into versions of this in myself. Can I ask something maybe annoying?
Seeker
Sure.
Companion
When you’re at the table watching the table, who at the table has met the part of you that’s watching?
Seeker
Nobody. Obviously. That’s the part that’s watching.
Companion
Right. But I mean, do you ever bring it in. Do you say the thing the watcher is thinking.
Seeker
No. That would be weird. People don’t want that.
Companion
Okay. That might be true. I’m not sure. Keep going though, why wouldn’t they want it.
Seeker
Because it’s too much. It’s too serious, or too sideways, or it kills the vibe. I learned that early. You bring the right amount of yourself or people pull back.
Companion
So you bring the right amount.
Seeker
Yeah.
Companion
And then you feel like you don’t belong.
Seeker
…
Seeker
That’s not fair.
Companion
I might be off. Push back.
Seeker
No, I mean, it’s not fair because by the time I’m an adult, the editing isn’t a choice. It’s just how I walk into a room.
Companion
Yeah. That tracks.
Seeker
But you’re saying the room never met me, so of course the room doesn’t feel like home.
Companion
I’m saying I noticed something. You said nobody has met the watcher. And then you said you don’t bring the watcher. Those are two different sentences and I got stuck on them.
Seeker
They are different. One is about them. One is about me.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I’ve been telling the first one for years.
Companion
What’s the second one feel like.
Seeker
Tiring. Because if it’s the second one, the loneliness isn’t something happening to me.
Companion
Mm.
Seeker
It’s also not solved though. Even if I stopped editing, I don’t know that there’s a table where the unedited version fits. Some of those tables I genuinely outgrew. They wouldn’t want the watcher even if I brought it.
Companion
Both things might be true.
Seeker
Yeah. The old rooms can’t hold me and I keep walking into new rooms half-there. So either way I’m next to it.
Companion
I don’t have a clean thing to say to that.
Seeker
No, me neither.
Seeker
I think I want to sit with it for a minute.
Companion
Okay.
In the rooms where you feel like you don't belong, which version of you actually walked in?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.