"The old self isn't behind a door you lost the key to. It's behind a door that no longer opens because the person who fit through it doesn't exist anymore."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I keep thinking about who I was five years ago. Lighter. More fun. I had this confidence that didn’t need a reason. I want her back and I can’t find her.
Companion
What do you try, when you try to find her?
Seeker
Stupid stuff. Wearing clothes I used to wear. Hanging out with people from back then. Listening to the same music. It all feels like a costume.
Companion
Yeah. I’ve done versions of that. The costume thing is interesting. It fits but it doesn’t.
Seeker
Right. Like my body remembers being her but I’m not actually in there.
Companion
Can I ask something maybe annoying. Was she actually lighter, or did she just not know certain things yet?
Seeker
That’s not fair. She was happier.
Companion
Okay. I’ll drop it.
Seeker
No, wait. I don’t know. She was happier in some ways. But she also stayed in that relationship for two years she shouldn’t have been in. She didn’t see what was happening.
Companion
Mm.
Seeker
I’m not saying she was stupid. She just didn’t see it.
Companion
I hear you. I’m not trying to make her bad. I’m trying to figure out what you mean by lighter.
Seeker
Lighter as in she didn’t carry what I carry now.
Companion
Right. And what you carry now is partly stuff you saw that she didn’t.
Seeker
…yeah.
Companion
I don’t know what to do with that exactly. Just sitting with it.
Seeker
It’s like she was happy because she wasn’t looking. And now I’m looking and I can’t unsee it. So going back would mean unseeing.
Companion
Can you unsee?
Seeker
No. I’ve tried. That’s why all the costume stuff feels fake. I’m performing someone who didn’t know things I now know.
Companion
That’s a different problem than the one you came in with, I think.
Seeker
How?
Companion
You came in like she’s lost and you can’t find her. But it sounds more like she’s not findable because the conditions she lived in aren’t there anymore. You burned them down by seeing them.
Seeker
I didn’t burn anything down on purpose.
Companion
No. I don’t think anyone does.
Seeker
That’s worse somehow. If I’d chosen it I could at least feel like it was worth it.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I don’t know what to do with that.
Companion
I don’t either. I think you just don’t get to put it back.
Seeker
God.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I think part of me knew. I think I’ve been pretending the door was locked when it’s actually just not a door anymore.
Companion
Mm.
Seeker
That’s exhausting to admit.
Companion
Yeah. It is.
What did the earlier version of you not yet know? And would you really trade what you've seen to unknow it again?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.