"Sometimes the self that's dissolving is one that had already stopped fitting. The disorientation is what it feels like when an old structure loosens before a new one has settled."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I don’t know how to say this without sounding dramatic. I feel like I’m losing myself. Like the person I was a year ago, I can’t really find her anymore.
Companion
Not dramatic. Say more about what’s missing. Is it a feeling, a way of thinking, something else?
Seeker
All of it? I used to know what I liked. What I thought about things. Now I open my mouth and I’m not sure who’s talking. Half the time I agree with whoever I’m with.
Companion
Okay. When you say you used to know what you liked, do you actually miss the things, or do you miss the feeling of being sure?
Seeker
That’s annoying.
Companion
Sorry. Genuine question though.
Seeker
…The feeling of being sure. I think. The things themselves, I’m not sure I even liked half of them.
Companion
Hm. That’s interesting to me. Sit with that for a second if you want.
Seeker
It’s not that interesting. I just had a personality and now I don’t.
Companion
I’ll push back a little. You’re saying the personality was partly things you didn’t actually like. That doesn’t sound like losing a self. That sounds like noticing one.
Seeker
But it doesn’t feel like noticing anything. It feels like being scraped out.
Companion
Yeah. I believe that. Both can be true.
Seeker
Can they?
Companion
I think so. I’ve bumped into something like this before. The scraped-out feeling can come from the same thing that’s actually clearing room. Doesn’t make it feel any better.
Seeker
So I’m supposed to just sit here being no one until something else shows up?
Companion
I don’t know if you’re supposed to do anything. I’m not sure there’s a move here.
Seeker
That’s worse.
Companion
Probably, yeah.
Seeker
…The thing is, when I try to picture going back to who I was, I don’t actually want to. I just want to not feel like this.
Companion
Right.
Seeker
That’s a weird sentence. I don’t want her back. I just want her back.
Companion
Mm.
Seeker
I guess she’d already started feeling tight. Like a sweater that doesn’t fit. I kept wearing it because at least I knew what I looked like in it.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I don’t know what I look like now.
Companion
No. I don’t think you’re supposed to yet.
Seeker
That’s a terrible answer.
Companion
I know.
Seeker
…Okay.
What part of the self you're mourning had already started to feel too small?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.