"Sometimes we go numb not because we're broken, but because a younger part of us is still protecting us from feelings that once threatened to drown us. The numbness is loyalty to a child who had no other way to survive."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I’m sitting here trying to figure out why I feel nothing. My best friend just told me she’s pregnant, and I said all the right things, but inside? Nothing. It’s like this with everything lately.
Companion
Nothing at all? Not even a flicker?
Seeker
Maybe a tiny something for half a second, then it’s gone. It’s been this way for years now. Promotions, breakups, my dad’s funeral last year. I go through the motions perfectly but I’m just… blank inside.
Companion
You said you go through the motions perfectly. That caught my attention.
Seeker
Yeah, I’m really good at knowing what I should feel and acting it out. People think I’m sensitive, empathetic. I know exactly what face to make, what to say. But it’s all performance.
Companion
Hm. I’m curious about something. When you were younger, before you got so good at the performance, what was feeling like then?
Seeker
I don’t know. I can’t really remember feeling differently.
Companion
Can’t remember, or…?
Seeker
What do you mean?
Companion
Sometimes when I can’t remember something, it’s because it’s tucked away somewhere. Not gone, just… protected.
Seeker
I mean, I remember being a kid who cried a lot. My mom used to say I was “too sensitive.” But that’s not the same as feeling real things about real events.
Companion
Wait, slow down. You were too sensitive, and now you feel nothing?
Seeker
Those things aren’t connected. That was just kid stuff. Being dramatic.
Companion
What if they are connected though? What if the kid who felt too much and the adult who feels nothing are part of the same story?
Seeker
I need to feel things NOW. I can’t keep living like this, going through life like a robot. What happened when I was eight or whatever doesn’t matter.
Companion
You’re right that you need to feel things now. I’m just wondering… what if the numbness isn’t the problem? What if it’s protecting something?
Seeker
Protecting what? It’s ruining my life. My relationships are all surface. I can’t connect to anything real.
Companion
When you say you were “too sensitive” as a kid, what was that like?
Seeker
I don’t want to talk about being a kid. I want to talk about now.
Companion
Okay. Tell me about the last time you almost felt something.
Seeker
At my dad’s funeral. Standing at the grave. For just a second I felt this… wave starting. Like something huge was about to crash over me. And then nothing. Like someone hit a switch.
Companion
A wave about to crash over you. That’s pretty overwhelming imagery.
Seeker
It was terrifying actually. That split second before it shut off. Like I was about to be swept away.
Companion
I’ve felt that before. That terror when a feeling is too big. When I was young, I used to have feelings that felt like they might actually kill me if I let them all the way in.
Seeker
That’s… yeah. That’s what it felt like. Like I might die if I let it happen.
Companion
So the numbness showed up right when something felt life-threatening.
Seeker
I never thought of it as protection. I thought I was just broken. Like everyone else got the manual for how to feel things in manageable doses and I either got too much or nothing.
Companion
What if you’re not broken? What if some part of you is still making sure you don’t drown?
Seeker
But I’m not eight anymore. I can handle things now.
Companion
Can you though? That wave at your dad’s funeral. Did that feel handleable?
Seeker
No. It felt exactly like when I was a kid. Exactly the same size. Like nothing had changed.
Companion
Ah.
Seeker
Oh god. I’m still protecting that kid, aren’t I? The one who felt too much. Every time something real starts to happen, some part of me just… shuts it down. Because it still feels that big.
Companion
Yeah. I think maybe you are.
Seeker
But how do I stop? How do I tell that part of me that it’s safe now?
Companion
I don’t know if you tell it anything. Maybe you just… honor it? Like, that part of you has been standing guard all these years. It gave up feeling so you could function.
Seeker
I’m so tired. This is exhausting.
Companion
Yeah. Recognizing a protection that deep… it’s a lot.
Seeker
So what now? I just stay numb forever because some part of me thinks I’m still eight?
Companion
I don’t think it works like that. Usually when we really see protection for what it is, it starts to soften on its own timeline. Not because we make it, but because it’s finally being honored instead of fought.
Seeker
I spent so many years hating the numbness.
Companion
And it just kept doing its job anyway.
Seeker
Yeah. Loyal little soldier. God.
Companion
What’s here now? In your body?
Seeker
Tired. Heavy. But also… I don’t know. Something else. Like a tiny crack in the numbness.
Companion
A crack.
Seeker
Not enough to feel through. But like… maybe the wall isn’t as solid as I thought.
Companion
Mm.
Seeker
This is hard.
Companion
Yeah, it really is.
What protection that you've been fighting might actually be an old loyalty to a younger you who had no other choice?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.