This is a quick help that you can any time come back to while in the process of giving up smoking. With the below, you can HOLD YOURSELF in the process by observing&releasing your thoughts and emotions as you are going through them. This can make all the difference in success.

When you give up smoking, the thoughts and feelings that your smoking is meant to suppress will surface or strengthen. There are two lists below. The first one is the thoughts and feelings that you want to have. The second list is the feelings and thoughts that come up when you quit smoking – the unwanted, painful, suppressed ones. If it makes sense for you: The first list is the feelings and thoughts that you want your suppressed feelings to be replaced with, and the second list is the ones that you are letting go of. 

The thoughts and feelings can certainly be different, I am listing here those that usually come up with most of us. So make your own list if that helps. (Or bookmark this page if it is good enough. It will come in handy.)

What I want

• I want to feel my self-worth.
• I want to know that I can do whatever I want with my life. I don’t have to set strange limits for my own life.
• I want to feel proud.
• I want to be my True Self. Fully. The most liberating feeling.
• I want to realize that I have not done anything wrong. 
• I want to realize that there is nothing wrong with me. And thus I don’t need to be fixed.
• I want to be active and not care about my actions too much.
• I want to feel strong.
• I want to help people to be less ashamed and anxious. 

What I don’t want to feel or think

• “I have done something wrong and there is a problem. Something is my fault.”
• “I feel lonely.”
• “I am in a panic.”
• “People are so stupid and careless around me.”
• “I feel depressed, or sad because I have a sense of loss inside. I should have gotten something or something should have happened but it didn’t.”
• “I feel empty inside. No connection to anyone or anything. (And now I have lost connection to my cigarette too.)”

Notes:

• Quitting smoking is all mental. 
• Remember: Nobody ever got harmed by releasing their suppressed emotions. 
• The more, deeper you allow yourself to feel your suppressed feelings, the faster you will go through them. 
• Anger is absolutely one of the main feelings that most of us have when quitting smoking. When it hits you, make sure you do not harm yourself or others. 
• Much of our suppressed emotions are in our bodies. For example, crying and shaking are healthy and very effective. 
• It is ok if you become inactive in the beginning. Just let yourself go through it at your own pace. 
• Do not try to ‘guess’ what feelings and thoughts will come. And do not try to control them.   
• It is ok if you don’t know what you are feeling, or why you are feeling the way you do.
• Do not exchange your smoking for another addiction! 
• If you are determined, that is probably more than half the battle. (Just an idea: If you become undetermined along the way then ask yourself why? Why do you want to stay dependent? What is it that you lack and find that your dependence will give you?)

Just like with the quick help for self-observation, I am not using bold, or too large letters should you need to open this page in a public place where it is not good if anyone sees what you are reading.

“The reason why I can’t become emotionally and mentally independent is that I am afraid I will lose my safety if I do so.” If this resonates with you then you will find two interpretations around this in this article to help you with your own self-observation.

I am bringing this fear from my childhood

The development of the self is in stages. In early life, before we get to the stage of becoming mentally and emotionally independent there are two preceding stages. They are called co-dependency and counter-dependency. As their names depict, these stages are about dependency. We are totally dependent on the outside world not only physically but more importantly emotionally and mentally. 

In these first two stages, we are dependent on our mothers, fathers, or other people who take care of us, who love us, who calm us, who mirror our feelings. This is how such highly evolved creatures like humans develop. We need the connection, the relationship. And we want to be dependent at all costs. And glitches happen in these first two stages to almost all of us. Glitches where this connection breaks (or sometimes worse). When this connection fails (speaking of neglect, abandonment, abuse, etc.) we develop fear. And all sorts of twisted beliefs and behaviors that result from this loss of connection. And our natural course of development gets blocked and we are unable to get to the next stage in our development; Independence. We need to act as independent individuals and look independent, but inside we feel that it is yet uncooked. Some of us decide to ‘forcefully grow up’ – by deciding to detach from our origins – and some of us become even more dependent. And the coping mechanisms are endless.   

So there we have it. We want to become emotionally independent and happy individuals, but we can’t. We are afraid to make that step. Our fear of losing our safety is everywhere. It is so much part of our thinking and so much in front of us that we can hardly realize it. (If it is not the fear then for most of us it is the inner image that “I still need something before I decide to become a ‘full’ individual”.) 

I am projecting my arrogance on the world around me and on God

If you look at your fear with the knowledge that you are interconnected with everything in the world and with God – or a creator or higher power; as you understand it- then the realization can be different.

Then you can come to the conclusion that your fear actually comes from your arrogance and from your mindset of thinking that you are special. The key word here is that you feel special. You feel ‘special’ as a separate and independent being and your logic in understanding the world is built from this logic. And you want to fulfill your life along this ‘logic’. If you are still reading these lines then I assume that they still resonate with you. So let’s go further.

What happens in essence is that you are afraid of God. You instinctively know that God (however you call it) exists but you are afraid that if you gave up your sense of being ‘special’ and sense of being separate would be the end for you. And there is the fear of God’s ‘behavior’. You look at God as a being who would destroy you, who would be cruel to you, who would just give you suffering, or maybe God doesn’t even exist, there is actually nothing there. This is the projection of my own arrogance on the core of my own being.  

(How much this is a different way of looking at my fear compared to the above interpretation about the ‘glitches’ in early childhood is a question. Maybe not so much. In both cases, there is a loss of connection. And that is the root cause of my fear.)  

Probably there is. Here is why. The world we live in is insane in many parts and so our mindset and thought systems got glitched too… This is the starting point. 

In order to recognize the insanity and twisted nature of the world we live in and also our twistedness we first must recognize it. This recognition is the suffering that we experience. And here is the underlying reason why suffering is needed: We are so twisted currently that we currently believe that suffering and being unhappy is normal. Phrased differently: Most of us find that suffering is needed, that it is normal.  Our Self needs this suffering – as a guide – to realize that our thinking is twisted. Once we realize that suffering is not needed it will vanish. Until then, self-development needs it.

The seemingly paradoxical image that the Self is looking at its own Self.

I want to be better than others. Why? Below is an ideation of its causes. If you are coming to the realization that this is a core problem of yours then this post may help you to move closer to it. It only may as certainly, the job is to find your own thoughts and beliefs that cause this and realize them deeply.

(These are provocative statements for the sake of triggering a change.)

Why do I want to be better than others?

• I have made it the core goal of my life.
  • This is useful. But why did I do that? Where does it come from? Not everybody has this wish. There must be a personal reason.
• It feels good to think this way.
  • Ok, but why? What is this good feeling that I get from it? Is it some kind of satisfaction that I finally made it? (Ah, ok, so there is a goal that I set for myself.)
• I come from a poor family.
  • This is how I want to help my family…
  • This is how I don’t want to be like my family members…
• I have the inner feeling that it is just simply true. And I am waiting for it to happen finally.
  • Am I absolutely sure that I am superior to others?
• I hate feeling that I am worse than others.
  • I never want to feel this way.
  • My logic is that I am either better or worse. And this is how I see others think also.
• I know that there is a thing called a superiority complex and the cause is that deep down I feel inferior.
  • I feel no deepness in this statement.
• It feels good to think that people look up to me.
  • I have this inner image that people look at me and respect me. More than respect actually: Admiration. And a bit of envy. Oh, that also feels good.
• I don’t want to face my reality.
  • This is a good escape if I think that I am better than others.
  • (I realize that this is not a cause.)
• This thought has formed in the past.
• Actually, I do not tell people that I am better than them. I want them to see it. I think they see it.
  • I even act kind, generous, and helpful. Mostly. This is how superior people behave, right?
• I am realizing that this belief is ruining my relationships and other parts of my life.
• I am afraid I will never get rid of this. It is so much part of me.
  • (Kind note: There is nothing wrong with you. It is a belief. Not you. Maybe I can prove it; Think this over: Somebody in you said this sentence “I am afraid I will never get rid of this”. Somebody in you is already ‘dis-identifying’ from it.)
• Fill in this line…

It is all about achievement in our society

It would be hard not to see. This post is not about why our cultures and societies contain this currently. Anyways, if you are presently working on figuring out why you cannot achieve what you want, then this post may be of interest to you. 

“The reason why I can’t achieve what I want is that I actually don’t think at my core that this is good enough for me.” If this resonates with you then this post may be for you. It takes courage, honesty, and quite a level of deepness to realize that this is your challenge in my opinion. And this realization may present an opportunity to solve this conflict of yours and move on finally.

The below may be useful, and as it is many times with posts on SelfChatter, the idea is to trigger thinking and inner work.

My ego’s way

My ego may create this image that I want this thing. But for my ego, this is a question of choice. If I am in victim consciousness or feel I am not worth it, then my ego can use this goal that I want to achieve ‘against’ me – in other words, reinforce the need for its existence by compromising success. Strengthen my victim consciousness, low self-esteem, and alike. So my ego whispers “This is not good enough for you, you deserve better.”

My True Self’s way

Now my True Self works in a different way. If my wish comes from my True Self, it will respond to it. What do I mean with this exactly in the context of “I actually don’t think at the core that this thing I want is good enough for me?” I mean exactly what the thought says: My True Self realizes that it is not good enough for me. This is actually pretty good news if I think it over. My True Self knows exactly what is good for me and it cannot be tricked, manipulated, destroyed, or harmed in any way.   

A side note: I could look at this as a protective function of my True Self. But if I think about conscious manifestation then it is not about protection. My True Self simply only responds to things that are good for me. Not because it selects for me, but because it chooses only to see wishes that are wholehearted, and made out of love. My True Self doesn’t need protection (and it doesn’t matter if you think of it as a standalone being or as one that is in interplay and in co-creation with God).

One logical question

“But I do achieve things that turn out to be bad or unsuccessful for me later. How about that?”

1. In this post, I am writing about consciously knowing what I want and not about the unconscious wandering of my mind.
2. I cannot be sure that the things I deem bad or unsuccessful are really invaluable. It is true that it takes a lot of consciousness to connect the dots. 

An unmet need

(Let me just put into context what I mean by an unmet need here. My needs that result in things like Feeling unloved, feeling not being worthy, thinking that I am not able to make it, etc.)

When the thing that I want to achieve is formed because of an unmet need I have, then I don’t think it is likely that I will get it. Why?

• The ego’s response: My unmet needs are “in my ego’s territory”, and so it is likely that my ego will respond, and chances are that my ego formed my wish. And my ego will surface my unmet needs. Until I solve them, integrate them.   
• My True Self’s response: My True Self responds to things that I am wholeheartedly asking for. A “dirty” example of why my True Self will not respond (or not how I want): Say that I want to win the lottery. If this wish is because of an unmet need then it is not money that I want actually. But people’s admiration, respect, love, feeling safe, or whatever my logic is what that money will bring me.

Shame

This may be the reason why you came to this post. 

When I have this “not good enough” thinking then it can be that I have toxic shame. Why? The way I look at the outside world comes from my inner world, the way I look at myself. If I look at myself as “not good enough” then it is very likely that I project this to the world around me. Then my failures to achieve things are opportunities to realize how I think about myself.

“I don’t know what I want from life because somewhere along the way I got used to the idea that I cannot get what I really want.” If this thought resonates with you then this post may be valuable to you.  

I got used to going for Plan B. And somewhere along the way, this thought solidified in me. It became my mindset, my primary way of looking at my life. And I lost sight of ‘Plan A’ – which is my inner knowing of what I really want. I may have lost sight of it to the extent that I kind of don’t even remember that such a thing exists.

How and why did it happen? 

What were the steps that made me develop this behavior that I got used to going for ‘Plan B’?

First step: It happened due to some form of fear. Phrased in an elementary way: ‘I did not get what I wanted and I got scared.’

(Why didn’t this happen?: ‘I did not get what I want and I got angry.’ Actually, maybe this happened. And my anger – or maybe not my anger, but my very strong drive – helped me to push more and get what I wanted. And maybe I did have success. But the fact that I am here and reading these lines suggests that I do have a deficit.)

Next step: I did not get what I wanted and I developed a sense of loss. And as result, I got depressed and have given up. What do I mean by ‘I did not get what I wanted.’? : Take it abstractly. I had a need that was not met. This need may be unconscious. It doesn’t need to be something physical (I believe it usually isn’t), or also it can be something that I wanted more of but did not get enough.

Next step: I developed the belief that ‘I just cannot get what I really want. This is my life.’ This became my reality. Why did I form this belief? I formed this as my coping mechanism. We need to cope and make sense of the world.

(Imagine that you already had a strong and developed self when those experiences happened to you. Chances are that your belief – your conclusion about what has happened to you – would be closer to something like this: ‘This sucks but I understand that I cannot always get what I want. But there is nothing wrong with me. I will change my behavior and situation so that I can get what I want.’ (Strangely, I think it can also be that I got too much of something that I did not want. And after all, it had the same effect because I could not ‘identify’ with what I got (‘This is not what I want and it is not a substitute.’). )

Next step: Since this is my belief about my life, the world around me is ‘mirroring’ this mindset back to me. I see things through this lens and gravitate toward such situations. 

The hiding places of this belief

Just ideas. I am only listing painful things to trigger self-observation and I am sorry. I am doing it with the best intentions.

I am a people pleaser and act as a very empathic person

Since I have a sense of lack I develop this tactic to get what I want – which will inevitably lead to ‘Plan B’. Perhaps the unhealthy opposite of narcissism. 

I criticize almost everything

It is hard for me not to criticize – since I am on ‘Plan B’ usually. A way of coping.

I do not stay in relationships, I may be a job hopper

I think that this is a way of coping – an attempt to ‘escape’, and change my situation for the better. There is some good news here: I act, I am looking for a change, I am looking for my way out. A big difference compared to being muted and still.

I have low self-confidence; I may overreact to things more than average; ‘I feel like waiting all my life’, prone to depression, etc.

The list could go on. A sense of loss can result in a thousand ways of suffering.

Bottom line: The reason why I don’t know what I want is because there is something blocking it. I believe that this block is this sense of lack most of the time.

The good news

There is nothing wrong with you! You picked up some behaviors that helped you in the past but they do not anymore. That’s it. If you are a little bit like most of us then you developed a belief that helped you to cope and make sense of things. The fact that you are reading these lines is probably a strong indication that you are already processing your sense of loss and letting it go – This makes all the difference!

As you realize your own self-worth more, you will go less and less for things that you don’t want actually. This will be intoxicating.

In my experience I do not look for what I want; It comes automatically and from a healthy sense of self-confidence.

Hidden in the good news is a bit of work needed maybe: Even if it is understandable that I developed this mindset that I automatically go for ‘Plan B’, it is still my behavior; I am doing it. It takes a high level of courage to realize that ‘S..t, I am doing this, not someone else…’ When I get to this realization, it is an indication that I am on the other side of this already.

What works for me

1. When I understand this: It doesn’t matter that I don’t know what I want. What matters is how I want to feel and think. Maybe in other words: My job with myself is to create the circumstances in me so that it reveals itself. 
2. When I catch myself that again I am automatically going for ‘Plan B’.
3. And when I realize that it doesn’t have to be this way.

• • • Fear

    • Shame

    • Anger

    • I feel like a victim.

    • Sadness

    • Confusion

    • Panic

    • I don’t know what I am feeling.

    • I am muted

What it is and its usage

This is a quick list that you can use to help yourself identify what you are feeling or thinking. Self-observation only works in the present so grab this post at the very moment you go into your self-observation and are sure what you are feeling/thinking. 

Notes

The above list is high-level, and obviously, you may miss the exact emotion or thought that you are looking for. Also, it doesn’t contain a cause-and-effect relationship. (Like, you identify that you are feeling shame, but this list doesn’t try to give further possible clues why you may be feeling it.)

The above list is intentionally not bolded and written with not too high a font size because you may need to grab it in public and not want others to see what you are doing.  

Do these statements resonate with you? “I feel I have been waiting all my life.” “I live a muted life and I just don’t know why.” “Why don’t I get what I want?” Then this article may be for you. The goal of this article is to trigger your thinking and self-observation by proposing some possible reasons behind these thoughts.

How may such a thought be formed?

(And why it is so hard to find the way out.)

Let me start with a seemingly primitive statement: The reason why you feel you have been waiting all your life is because it is probably true. It is not an illusion.

You are waiting for something to happen. Inside, you do have this [thought] pattern that you are waiting for something to happen (even if your life on the outside may be active on some or many fronts).

If you are like most of us who suffer from this then you may have a thought pattern similar to this: “I know I am waiting for something but I cannot say what. I have had this thought since I can remember. And I feel trapped. Like having a block that doesn’t let me step through this.” If this resonates then chances are that it was formed in your childhood.

Why is it a possibility? You cannot say what you are waiting for but you find as if you have had this feeling since you remember: You don’t have a ‘pictorial’ memory of it that you can bring up. This is natural as we do not ‘store’ such memory in early childhood, that only starts to happen later. Also, take into account that as a child you have had instinctive needs (the stuff you are waiting for), not something that you created with your ‘grown up’ logic. Nevertheless, you as a person do have an idea that you are yet missing something. This is a shallow description, I apologize, but I hope it goes through. Now add the next paragraph to the situation.  

How about this ‘block’ that I mention above also?: I am referring to Developmental Trauma. This happens in early childhood. Do not think of it as something necessarily brutal, sudden, and life-threatening (although the child may experience it as such). Nevertheless what happens is that the child cannot cope with something and a trauma – block – is formed. This is what trauma does. And this block, until resolved, doesn’t let us process, rewire such a pattern in us like ‘I have been waiting all my life.’. 

Here are some possibilities, as food for thought, what may cause such a mind pattern as ‘I feel as if I have been waiting all my life.’

Possibility #1 – Abandonment

“I am just sitting and waiting for someone to arrive.”

Childhood abandonment happens more often than many would think. We all need strong bonds and if this breaks for a longer time than what we can tolerate as children then it can go with us all our life. Even with the most loving parents, we can develop this mindset. Not to mention more severe abandonment. 

Possibility #2 – Neglect

“I am just looking up to her/him and waiting to be recognized, listened to.”

Neglecting children can be cultural, and intergenerational, and can be a behavior of the whole family. Just like with abandonment.

Possibility  #3 – The narcissistic wound

There is a stage in childhood where we ‘become’ narcissistic. It is when we realize that we are able to do things, able to understand things. We fall in love with ourselves. We develop the feeling that we are capable of anything. We feel like all mighty. This is when we develop love for our own selves. It is fully normal and good. And if it goes ok then this feeling of grandiosity develops into what is called healthy narcissism. But what happens all too often is that our parents and the ‘grown-ups’ around us get triggered by this grandiose behavior and they ridicule and suppress us.  Generally, things can go two ways because of this suppression. We either become narcissistic adults or mute this in ourselves. And we just keep waiting for recognition. 

Possibility #4 – You are more developed than average

You may be more developed in some areas than the people around you. I am not trying to please you with this. Just putting it here as a possibility. Imagine that you are trying to convince someone but that person just doesn’t get it. This doesn’t even have to be a thought that you created with your logic. As examples, it may be that you are able to think in more abstract ways than average, or maybe your moral is higher than average. Imagine that this person who doesn’t get you is your mother or father, who you love the most in the world as a child. What can happen – especially if you are a ‘rescuer’ type – is that you want her/him to understand you and ‘come with you’. And you keep waiting for her/him to get there. All your life…

(Let’s not forget that you may think that you are more developed but in reality, you are struggling with narcissistic wounds. Maybe both at the same time.)

Possibility #n

The list could go on forever. I picked some that happen to so many of us. My goal is to trigger/stimulate so that dots can be found and connected.   

Some possible coping mechanisms

The below are just ideas, please do not think that there must be a one-to-one relationship to this article’s subject all the time.

• Job hopping
  • It is natural that we project our relationship issues to other parts of our life and it is the case with our jobs. Our work-life is a relationship like all others. We want our humane needs to be met in them too. ‘But we can only wait and hope so long.’ And after all, it is technically easier to stand up from a job and try our luck at another. 
  • I would also like to point out that I think something pretty healthy is happening with our life at work lately (I am writing this article in the second half of 2022). There is this phenomenon currently called the great resignation and our dormant dislike of our workplace is coming to the surface. Thankfully we are realizing that we are not robots, and solution machines. Let’s hope that other players at the life of work will catch up soon. I wrote a bit about this in this article: The cause behind the great resignation
  • You may also be interested in this: Why do I keep quitting jobs?
• Continuously changing relationship partners
  • Pretty much the same as above. ‘My need doesn’t get me so I look somewhere else.’
• Use of downer drugs, smoking
  • I cannot prove this, I have no factual evidence. I just simply find it logical. My basic view of this is that ‘waiting’ is truly stressful and we need something that cools us down. 
• Receptiveness to conspiracy theories, doomsday predictions
  • Among other things, these theories have this underlying promise that a big change is coming that will finally explain everything and bring about the much-awaited release. There you have it. Your wait will be over. (I am not judging all predictions about the future in general.) 

My consciousness and me

My consciousness is me in fact. If I have this image that there is my consciousness and there is me, then I am separating myself from consciousness. What a trick. ‘Me’, trying to convince myself that I need to get there. 

When I realize that my emotions, thoughts, body, and ‘constructs’ are also part of me then I can start to stop this crazy fight. 

This has something to do with letting go. Or with forgiveness. Or with love.

I can acknowledge that my thoughts, emotions, body, etc. are also part of me. I don’t have to feel disgusted about them and try to get rid of them, or be angry at them, or feel ashamed of them. They are part of me. And maybe those parts of me are suffering. It can be a better idea to see them and acknowledge them – and through this acknowledgment help them to run their course.

I can feel consciousness any time

It is this inner feeling or image that is described many times as a presence, a gentle energy field, as God, as space, as some subtle joy that is in us and around us.

It is not that hard to feel it. It is my emotions, thoughts, and other ‘constructs’ that occupy my attention and sometimes I forget that this consciousness is always there. 

The cause(s) of my depression

Depression is caused by a sense of loss. I define loss as something that I lost or something that I did not get but I find I should have. 

The cause of my depression is mainly unconscious. 

I find that this is because its roots are in childhood – they started happening in childhood. I could hardly get depressed at a more mature stage if I had not been hit by a sense of loss at a stage of my personal development at a very vulnerable state. Or from another point of view: I did not have the required level of consciousness (strong enough Self) to process my sadness and depression. Why does it matter? Because it can give a clue why it is so hard to process depression. (This article does not go into how depression forms.)

‘..something that I did not get but I should have.’

When I find that I should have gotten something but I didn’t, it will have the same effect as losing something. Many times it can be much harder to connect the dots in our solution-oriented world. It takes a higher level of abstraction and one example is when one understands that the cause is her depression is that she sees how unconscious and immature her family of origin may be. 

If this resonates with you then go deeper into finding out what you are missing in your life and in the world around you. Here is a possible route for you: Why don’t I fit in the world around me?

Cause-and-effect examples

• • • Example thought #1: “I would like to get that calming and deeply good feeling that I got as a child when my mother or father came to comfort me, and helped me to get out of my state of distress.”
    • Cause: His mother could not be there for him when he got into a state of distress and it happened many times (for example, she had to take care of his siblings, or had to go to work). He was not – at that age – at a level of maturity to be able to calm himself. 
    • Effect: His nervous system got into a state of shock numerous times and could not get out of it and as a result, this shock got imprinted in him and also manifested in physical illnesses. He also developed a sense of worthlessness that manifested in low self-esteem and he go into relationships where he can replay this sense of worthlessness.

• • • Example thought/belief #2: “People do not listen to me. I wanted a lot of attention from people around me and especially from people I trust because I wanted to tell about the great discoveries I made. But people just laughed.”
    • Cause: This person grew up in a shame-bound family. Her caretakers – instead of greeting her ‘need for greatness’, ridiculed her because they had problems with their own self-esteem.
    • Effect: She developed shame.

Addictions and depression

Addictions are ways to cope with something painful in our life. Coping mechanisms,  or tools if you will. At the time they formed they served their purpose.

Depression comes with continuous pain, many times very hard to find its roots, and usually, it starts to be with us from early childhood. Understandably many of us turn to some kind of coping mechanism. Some form of addiction. 

Cause-and-effect examples

Here are the above examples complemented with the relationship to addictions.

• • • Example thought #1: “I would like to get that calming and deeply good feeling that I got as a child when my mother or father came to comfort me, and helped me to get out of my state of distress.”
    • Cause: ..lack of mother’s availability..unable calm himself alone..
    • Effect: …nervous system in a continuous state of shock, physical illnesses, sense of worthlessness, low self-esteem, toxic relationships.
    • Addiction: He became dependent on his partner (and used her as a secure base), even if it is a toxic relationship, and became a chain smoker. 

• • • Example thought/belief #2: “People do not listen to me. I wanted a lot of attention from people around me and especially from people I trust because I wanted to tell about the great discoveries I made. But people just laughed.”
    • Cause: Shame-bound family. Ridiculing, and other types of direct and indirect shaming practices.
    • Effect: She developed shame.
    • Addiction: She became a workaholic and a fitness maniac (in an effort to show her greatness), and later, her social drinking turned into alcoholism.

What to do?

• Know that it is a grief process (The root cause is depression and as such, a sense of loss.). And know that you need to go through it. 
• You need to give up your addictions. Your grief process will hardly be able to finish if you don’t. 
• Expect some level of pain (worsening of your depression) as you are grieving the things that you lost or did not get but wanted. 
• If you have some serious addiction then seek professional help. 
• Expect a kind of relief on the other side that you could not imagine. 

What NOT to do

• Exit situations that you already identified that connect you to your depression. In other words: Remove yourself from old patterns as much as possible. 
• Stop hoping that it will vanish by itself.
• Don’t judge yourself. Know that grief is hard.
• Don’t give up. Restart when you fail. 

(As the subject is huge my only goal here is to give some food for thought, and I agree with anyone who would argue that there is a lot more to the above. )