"Sometimes we're not afraid of being hurt — we're afraid of being erased. If love once meant losing your right to have your own thoughts and feelings, distance becomes the only way to stay yourself."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I keep doing this thing where as soon as someone really likes me, I find reasons to pull away. It’s like clockwork.
Companion
What happens in your body when you feel someone getting close?
Seeker
My chest gets tight. Like I can’t breathe. Feels like being stuck. And I start finding everything wrong with them — suddenly they’re too needy or too boring or just… too much.
Companion
Too much of what?
Seeker
I don’t know. Too… there. Too present. Like they’re taking up all the space in the room.
Companion
Have you felt that before? Someone taking up all the space?
Seeker
I know it is an obvious cliche but my mom comes to mind. She used to read my diary. Is that what you mean? She’d go through my things, ask about every phone call. Said mothers are like that.
Companion
How did you handle that?
Seeker
I stopped writing. Stopped talking on the phone when she was home. I got really good at… at being blank. Nothing to see, nothing to find.
Companion
And when someone gets close now?
Seeker
It’s different. These are good people. They’re not invasive.
Companion
But your body responds like they are.
Seeker
Yeah. That’s the part I don’t get. They’re being normal and I’m acting like they’re trying to be invasive also. I don’t know what. It cannot be that everyone I meet is an invasive type.
Companion
What would happen if you didn’t pull away? If you stayed?
Seeker
I’d have to let them see me. Really see me. I would have to let them touch me…I mean come too close.
Companion
Then?
Seeker
Then I wouldn’t be mine anymore. I’d be theirs. That sounds crazy when I say it out loud.
Companion
Does it sound crazy? Or does it sound like something you learned?
Seeker
Oh. That’s what love meant. It meant not being allowed to be… separate. It meant giving up your insides.
Companion
And you’re still protecting your insides.
Seeker
From people who aren’t even asking for them. They just want to be close and I’m over here defending territory they don’t even know exists.
Companion
What happens now that you can see it?
Seeker
I don’t know. It still feels dangerous. Knowing why doesn’t make it feel safe.
What part of yourself do you protect, as if it would fall to pieces if someone touched it?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.