"The voice that beats you up was once someone else's. You kept it because it worked, and now you can't tell where it ends and you begin."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I made a small mistake at work today. Forgot to cc someone. And I spent the next four hours basically calling myself an idiot in my head. I know it’s irrational. I know. But I can’t stop.
Companion
Four hours is a long time for a missed cc.
Seeker
Yeah. And I know it’s stupid. That’s part of the loop. I beat myself up, and then I beat myself up for beating myself up.
Companion
I want to ask something that might sound weird. When you’re in there, in the four hours, what does the voice actually sound like? Like, is it your voice?
Seeker
What do you mean?
Companion
I don’t know exactly. I’ve noticed sometimes when I’m really hard on myself, if I slow down, the voice doesn’t quite sound like mine. It has a tone. A specific way of talking.
Seeker
Huh. I mean. It’s mine. It’s me thinking.
Companion
Sure. Okay.
Seeker
…It’s pretty cold though. Cold and kind of disgusted. Like, “you’re so sloppy, you’re going to get found out.”
Companion
Found out as what?
Seeker
As not actually competent. As someone who’s been faking it.
Companion
Got it.
Seeker
But here’s the thing. That voice is also why I’m good at what I do. If I let up, I’d get sloppy for real. The cruelty is what keeps me sharp.
Companion
Maybe. I don’t know your work. But I’m a little suspicious of that argument when I hear it in myself. It sounds true and it also sounds like something the voice would say to keep its job.
Seeker
…
Companion
Sorry, that came out more pointed than I meant.
Seeker
No. It’s. Okay. Hang on.
Companion
Take your time.
Seeker
My dad was like that. Cold, disgusted when I messed up. Nothing was ever clean enough, organized enough. I learned to catch my mistakes before he did because that was less bad.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
So you’re saying the voice is him.
Companion
I’m not saying anything about your inner world. That is yours. I’m just sitting here.
Seeker
It’s not exactly him. It’s like, I took the job over. I fired him and hired myself.
Companion
That’s a good line.
Seeker
It’s not a good line, it’s depressing. Because if I stop doing it, what happens? I don’t know who I am without it. I’ve been the person who catches herself first since I was seven.
Companion
Yeah. That’s the part I don’t have an answer for.
Seeker
I thought you’d say something hopeful here.
Companion
I don’t have anything hopeful. It’s a real bind. The thing protecting you is also the thing hurting you, and you can’t just put it down because you built yourself around it.
Seeker
Okay.
Companion
Okay.
Seeker
I’m tired.
Companion
Yeah.
Whose voice is it, really, when you're hardest on yourself?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.