"The people we keep choosing aren't random. They match a template the body learned before the mind got a say, and the relationship is often a rerun of a scene we're trying to give a different ending."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I did it again. New person, six months in, and I’m sitting here having the exact same fight I had with the last one. And the one before that.
Companion
Same fight how?
Seeker
Same shape. I’m asking for more, they’re pulling back, I feel like I’m too much, they feel like I’m pressuring them, nobody’s happy. It’s like I have a type and the type is “person who will eventually make me feel like I’m asking for too much.”
Companion
That’s a specific type. You named it pretty fast.
Seeker
Because I’ve had a lot of practice. I keep thinking, okay, this one is different. They’re warmer, or more available, or whatever. And then a few months in, something shifts and it’s the same movie.
Companion
I want to ask something and I’m not sure how it’ll sound. When you say “attract” — like the title of this whole problem is “why do I attract them” — what’s the verb actually doing there?
Seeker
What do you mean.
Companion
Like, attract sounds passive. They show up. You didn’t do anything. It’s just your luck.
Seeker
I’m not saying it’s luck. I know I’m picking them. I’m just saying I keep picking the wrong ones.
Companion
Okay. So you’re picking. What are you picking on?
Seeker
Chemistry, I guess. The ones I’m actually drawn to. The ones where there’s a spark.
Companion
And the spark shows up fast?
Seeker
Yeah. Pretty much immediately.
Companion
Immediately is interesting. That’s faster than knowing someone.
Seeker
I don’t love where this is going.
Companion
Say more.
Seeker
You’re going to tell me I’m choosing them because of my dad or whatever and I’m doing the cliché thing and I should know better by now.
Companion
I wasn’t going to say that. But the fact that you said it first is kind of loud.
Seeker
…
Companion
I’ll say what I actually noticed. You said the spark is immediate. Before you know them. So whatever’s sparking is recognizing something it already knows. That’s the part I’d want to look at, not the dad thing specifically.
Seeker
Recognizing what though?
Companion
I don’t know. You’d know.
Seeker
That’s annoying.
Companion
I know.
Seeker
Fine. There’s a thing. Where they’re a little out of reach. Not cold, just, like, you have to work a little to get their attention. And when you get it, it feels like winning something.
Companion
Like winning something.
Seeker
Yeah. And then when they’re around all the time and the winning-feeling stops, I get bored or I get clingy, I can’t tell which comes first.
Companion
Can you stay on the winning part for a second. What are you winning?
Seeker
Them. Their attention. I don’t know. Proof.
Companion
Proof of what.
Seeker
That I’m worth picking. Obviously.
Companion
Right. Okay. So if the spark is “this person is slightly out of reach and I might be able to win them,” then the people who feel like sparks are basically auditioning for a role you’ve already cast.
Seeker
That’s bleak.
Companion
Maybe. Or it’s just accurate.
Seeker
But the role is already a losing role. Because if they’re easy to get, there’s no spark, and if they’re hard to get, I’m signing up to feel not-enough until they finally pick me, and then I’m bored.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
So I’m not attracting them. I’m auditioning them for a part where they make me prove something.
Companion
That’s your sentence, not mine.
Seeker
I hate it.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
The part I can’t figure out is why. Like, I know I’m doing it now. I can see it. Doesn’t mean I’ll stop.
Companion
Probably won’t, on its own. Seeing it is a different thing than not doing it.
Seeker
That’s not very encouraging.
Companion
I’m not trying to be encouraging. I’m just trying to not lie to you about the timeline.
Seeker
…okay.
Companion
What’s it like to sit with the audition thing. Not solve it. Just have it be true for a minute.
Seeker
Tiring. It’s like I’ve been working really hard at something and the thing I was working at was rigged from the start.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I don’t want to do it anymore. But I don’t know what I’d do instead. The spark is the only thing that’s ever felt like love to me.
Companion
That’s the actual hard part. Not the pattern. The fact that the pattern and the feeling of love are the same thing right now.
Seeker
Yeah.
Companion
I don’t have a move for that.
Seeker
Me neither.
If the spark is recognizing something already familiar, what is it recognizing? And what would love feel like if it didn't have to feel like winning?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.