"The wall you feel between yourself and other people is often something you are holding up, very quietly, from a long time ago. It can feel like the world is far away when actually you stepped back first."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I don’t know. I’m around people all week and I still feel like I’m behind glass. Like nobody actually reaches me and I can’t reach them either.
Companion
Is it everyone, or is it specific?
Seeker
Everyone. Friends, coworkers, my sister. It’s like the signal doesn’t go through in either direction.
Companion
Okay. I’ve heard versions of this before and I want to be careful not to assume yours is the same. Can you give me a recent moment? Something small.
Seeker
I had dinner with a friend last week. She was telling me about something hard with her mom. I was nodding, saying the right things. But the whole time I was just waiting for it to end so I could go home.
Companion
Waiting for it to end because you were bored, or because something else?
Seeker
Not bored. Tired. It takes a lot to be there.
Companion
Hm. That’s different from disconnected. That sounds more like something costs you to be in contact.
Seeker
Maybe. I don’t know. It’s easier to just say I’m disconnected.
Companion
Yeah, I noticed you said the signal doesn’t go through in either direction. But when your friend was telling you about her mom, the signal was coming through fine, right? You were just bracing against it.
Seeker
…okay. Yes.
Companion
I’m not trying to catch you out. I just want to make sure we’re looking at the right thing.
Seeker
No, you’re right. It’s not that I can’t feel people. I can. It’s that I want to leave when I do.
Companion
When did that start?
Seeker
I don’t know. Forever? I was a quiet kid. My mom was around but not really. My dad left when I was four. I don’t make it a big thing, it’s pretty common.
Companion
Sure. Common doesn’t mean it didn’t shape you.
Seeker
I know that. I’ve read the books.
Companion
Okay. So you know it intellectually. Do you know it about the dinner with your friend?
Seeker
What do you mean.
Companion
I mean the kid who learned that staying close to someone was tiring and disappointing is probably the same one still pulling away at dinner. That’s a guess. Push back if it’s off.
Seeker
…no, it’s not off. I just don’t like it.
Companion
What don’t you like about it?
Seeker
Because then it’s not that everyone’s far away. It’s that I’m doing it. And I’ve been doing it for so long I don’t know how to not.
Companion
Yeah.
Seeker
I think I might also just be depressed. I don’t think I’ve actually said that out loud before.
Companion
Mm.
Seeker
I always called it being sensitive, or being an introvert. That sounded better.
Companion
How does it feel to use the other word.
Seeker
Heavy. But like something fits.
Companion
We don’t have to do anything with it right now.
Seeker
Yeah. I think I just want to sit here for a minute.
If the distance you feel from people is something you're holding in place, what would it cost you to set it down even slightly?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.