"Emptiness often marks the space where your own desires used to live before you learned to want only what others needed you to want."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I just feel… hollow. Like everyone else seems to have this solid core, this thing that drives them, and I’m just empty space. Going through motions.
Companion
Mm. Empty space where something should be, or empty space that was always empty?
Seeker
I don’t know. Maybe always? But that doesn’t seem right either. It’s more like… you know when you walk into a room and forget why you came in there? It’s like that, but with my whole life.
Companion
I know that feeling. Like you’re responding to some purpose that got erased but you’re still moving toward it.
Seeker
Yes. Exactly. I watch other people and they seem to want things. Really want them. And I just don’t. Nothing pulls me.
Companion
When you say “nothing pulls you”, are you talking about big life things or even small stuff?
Seeker
Everything. Where to eat dinner. What job to take. Who to date. I just pick whatever seems… I don’t know, least troublesome? Whatever makes sense to other people.
Companion
So you’re oriented by what makes sense to others, what’s least troublesome for them?
Seeker
Not for them. Just least complicated. Least likely to cause issues.
Companion
Issues for who?
Seeker
I guess for everyone? For the situation? I don’t like conflict.
Companion
Something about how you said that. “I don’t like conflict.” But earlier you said nothing pulls you, you don’t want anything. So you do want something: To avoid conflict.
Seeker
That’s not a want, that’s just basic. Everyone wants that.
Companion
Do they? I know plenty of people who’ll fight for what they want. Pick the restaurant they actually crave even if others grumble.
Seeker
Those people are selfish.
Companion
Maybe. But they don’t feel empty.
Seeker
…Fuck.
Companion
What just hit?
Seeker
I don’t know. Nothing. Just when you said that. They don’t feel empty. Like maybe the emptiness and the not-wanting-conflict are related somehow.
Companion
Say more about that.
Seeker
I’m thinking about my mom. How disappointed she’d get when I wanted something she didn’t plan for. This face she’d make. Not angry, just like I’d failed to be who she needed.
Companion
And so wanting became…?
Seeker
Dangerous. No, that’s too strong. Just pointless. Wanting things that weren’t already approved was pointless.
Companion
So you stopped.
Seeker
I guess I did. Jesus. I guess I did stop wanting things.
Companion
And now there’s empty space where the wanting used to live.
Seeker
But how do you start wanting things again? I don’t even know what I’d want if I could want.
Companion
Yeah. That’s the thing. You can’t just decide to want. It’s like trying to be hungry on command.
Seeker
So I’m just stuck like this.
Companion
I didn’t say that. I’m genuinely curious: If wanting things got labeled “selfish” somewhere along the way, what happens when you let yourself be selfish for five minutes? Just as an experiment.
Seeker
I literally don’t know how.
Companion
Really? Not even a flicker? Not even “I’d rather have Thai food than pizza” or “I’d rather stay home than go to that party”?
Seeker
I mean sometimes I notice I’m dreading something. After I already said yes.
Companion
There it is. Dreading. That’s information. What’s something you’re dreading right now?
Seeker
My sister’s baby shower next month. I already said I’d help organize it.
Companion
And if you could want something about that situation?
Seeker
To not go. To not help. To say I’m busy. God, that sounds awful.
Companion
Does it sound awful or does it sound selfish?
Seeker
Both. Neither. I don’t know. But it sounds real. It sounds like something I actually want.
Companion
First want we’ve found.
Seeker
Yeah. Shit.
What small disappointment could you cause today that would mean honoring something you actually want?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.