"Sometimes invisibility is something we are doing, not something being done to us. The parts we trimmed off to be safe were also the parts that registered."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I keep noticing it everywhere. Meetings, dinners, group chats. People just don’t see me. I’ll say something and it lands like nothing. Then someone else says basically the same thing and everyone responds.
Companion
That’s a specific kind of awful. The same-thing-said-differently one is the worst.
Seeker
It’s been like this for years. I’ve thought about it a lot. I think I just don’t have whatever it is people have. Presence, or something.
Companion
Maybe. I want to ask something though, and you can push back. When you said the thing in the meeting, what did it sound like?
Seeker
What do you mean?
Companion
Like, did you say it the way you’d say it to me right now? Or had you already softened it.
Seeker
…Probably softened. I usually run through it first. Make sure it’s not too much.
Companion
Too much how?
Seeker
Too strong. Too obvious. Too whatever. I don’t want to be the person who barges in.
Companion
Right. Okay. I’ve done a version of this. The thing I notice in myself is that by the time I actually speak, I’ve trimmed it down so far that it’s basically air. And then I’m hurt when it lands like air.
Seeker
That’s not what I’m doing though. I’m just being considerate.
Companion
Could be. I don’t know your meetings.
Seeker
…
Seeker
Okay it might be partly that.
Companion
What’s the part that gets trimmed first, usually?
Seeker
The part with feeling in it. Or like, when I actually think someone’s wrong. I’ll find a way to agree with them first and then put my thing in as a small addition.
Companion
And the small addition is the part you wanted them to see.
Seeker
Yeah.
Companion
Hm.
Seeker
It’s weird though because I do want to be seen. I think about it constantly. I’m not choosing this.
Companion
I believe you. Both things can be running.
Seeker
What do you mean both?
Companion
I don’t know exactly. Just, the wanting and the not-wanting. When I imagine actually saying the un-trimmed version in a meeting, my stomach drops a little. That’s real too.
Seeker
Yeah no, mine drops a lot.
Seeker
That’s the part I don’t usually look at. If they actually saw me and didn’t like it, that would be worse than this.
Companion
Worse than this is a lot. This is pretty bad.
Seeker
Yeah.
Seeker
So I’ve been complaining about something I’m also working really hard to maintain.
Companion
That’s a rough sentence to land on.
Seeker
It is. I don’t know what to do with it.
Companion
You probably don’t have to do anything with it tonight.
Seeker
No. I’m tired.
What part of you gets edited out before you walk into the room? And what would it cost you if people actually met it?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.