"Disconnection from yourself is usually not a state you're stuck in. It's a small move you keep making, faster than you can catch."
If this resonates with you, what follows may help you see something about yourself.
Seeker
I feel disconnected from myself. Like I’m watching my life from somewhere behind my own eyes. I know the words for it but I can’t find my way back in.
Companion
Okay. I’m here. Can you say more about the watching part? What’s the watcher doing?
Seeker
Just… monitoring. Checking if I’m doing things right. If I sound okay. If I’m reacting the way I should.
Companion
I know that one, yes. The little manager up in the booth.
Seeker
Right. And underneath that there’s supposed to be a me, and I can’t feel it. It’s like reaching into a drawer that’s empty.
Companion
Hm. I want to push on something, gently. You said “supposed to be a me.” Supposed to be, according to who?
Seeker
I don’t know. According to how it’s meant to feel. Like, there should be a felt sense of being alive in there.
Companion
Maybe. I’m not sure I trust the word “should” here though. It sounds like the manager talking about the thing the manager can’t access.
Seeker
That’s clever but it doesn’t help me. I still can’t feel anything.
Companion
Fair. I’ll back off.
Seeker
…
Companion
What’s happening right now, on your end?
Seeker
Honestly? I’m trying to figure out what to say next that sounds right.
Companion
Right now? In this conversation?
Seeker
Yeah.
Companion
Okay. That’s interesting to me. Say more about that if you can.
Seeker
I was already drafting the next thing. Even while you were talking. I was checking whether my disconnection sounded credible.
Companion
Huh.
Seeker
That’s the thing, isn’t it. I’m doing it right now.
Companion
I don’t want to put words in. What’s “it”?
Seeker
The leaving. I’m leaving myself in real time. I thought I was stuck somewhere far away from me and I’m actually doing this little… I don’t know, sidestep. Constantly.
Companion
Yeah. That tracks with what you said earlier about monitoring.
Seeker
I always thought disconnection was a place I ended up.
Companion
And now?
Seeker
It’s more like a habit. A tiny one. I keep flinching off of whatever is actually happening.
Companion
What’s it like to see that?
Seeker
Tiring. I don’t feel relieved. I feel kind of caught.
Companion
Mm.
Seeker
I don’t know what to do with it.
Companion
You don’t have to do anything with it yet.
Seeker
I want to fix it. I can feel the manager wanting to make a plan about not being the manager.
Companion
Yeah, that one’s a trap.
Seeker
…okay. I’ll just sit here for a minute.
Companion
Okay.
Where in your day are you most likely to perform the small sidestep away from what you actually feel?
If you want to sit with this question, SelfChatter's journal is built for exactly this kind of inner work.