Most of our suffering comes from our relationships and spending time alone means you lock out your human relationships from your life on a physical level. So by spending time alone you can help yourself in starting to heal your relationship issues and grow your level of consciousness.

Spending time alone is probably one of the best ‘tools’ to do inner work and to develop. In this post, I concentrate mostly on how spending time alone can help you to heal your relationship issues. I do this with good intentions and I do not mean to imply that spending time alone is only about this. There is a lot more to it. 

Why is it hard for some people to spend time alone?

It is like giving up an addiction

Our relationship traumas, unmet needs, resentments, etc. ‘create’ forms of dependencies towards others. We have unmet – relationship – needs and we turn to others to have those needs met. When you intentionally ‘lock out’ others from your life for a while then you do the same thing as stopping an addiction, a dependency. And this is the main reason why it is so hard for some of us to spend time alone. All the pain, fear, confusion – you name it – can kick in. 

The fear of losing your safety

We look at our human relationships as our primary source of safety. No wonder we can develop an intense fear of losing our safety when we decide to be alone. This subject also goes a long way, let me just only mention it here to make it conscious for us. 

The shame element

I like spending time alone, I am like this since my childhood. And I have received countless ‘comments’ on how much of a loner I am. It took quite some energy to understand that with these ‘comments’ people try to shame me. Well, I did develop shame. Until I understood that there is nothing wrong with me. Today I meet more and more people who not only see the value of being alone but are already free of this twisted logic that “If someone enjoys being alone then it means that person is not social.” Put in another way: “You must ‘be’ social the way we understand it, otherwise you don’t belong to us…”  

Spending time alone doesn’t mean you are antisocial

It is quite the opposite. You just stop being needy. It is a healthy social trait when someone intentionally refrains from projecting their neediness onto others.

Also, if you like spending time alone, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you don’t want to or don’t like to socialize. You may just like to socialize with others for good reasons like helping others, teaming up for a common cause, or simply enjoying others’ company without wanting anything ‘in return’. In this respect, it is a bit strange to call someone sociable who ‘socializes’ with others because of some unmet relationship needs. 

(The Covid lockdowns were a forced ‘spend time alone’ period for many of us. And though it has been painful I believe it had positive effects too. Have you heard of this phenomenon called the Great Resignation? )

Why is it valuable to spend time alone? The benefits that you can expect

• Expect to become a truly social person
  • Expect to develop true compassion towards other people. A different perspective from neediness.
• You will enjoy your own company
  • If you are reading this article because you just can’t imagine how being alone can be joyful then I have this good news: You will eventually come closer to your own Self and will realize that actually you are the most enjoyable person in your life. 
• Expect to become calmer and have more self-confidence
  • Just saying this so that you don’t get surprised by new perspectives. 
• Your thinking will become clearer
• Your relationships will evolve and you will form healthier ones
• You will become more emotionally and mentally independent
• You stop being alone because you can’t be with others
  • I mean: If you were alone before because you could not be in a relationship then this may change. If you choose so. 
• Expect to be different from those who are addicted to relationships
  • Just a heads up that your view and understanding will change. For the better. Nevertheless, chances are that it will be scary for a long time because most people (well above 90% of us) are addicted to relationships, and situations will want to ‘suck you back’.

How to get the most out of spending time alone?

We are all different and as you can see this article is not about how to live the life of a hermit. Still, there can be some useful advice, which I could maybe sum up in one sentence: “Do not chicken out until you start enjoying it.”

Anyways, here are some that most people find useful

• Create silence around you. 
• Try not to switch on the tv, social media, and the like (Ever wondered how today’s social media platforms lure people in?).
• Try not to overeat, buy things you don’t need, etc.). Instead, try to use the opportunity to look deeper at your cravings. 
• Spend time in nature. Or maybe just walk and enjoy doing the ‘nothing’. 
• Have a rhythm. It helps in many ways. The key is to be conscious about it, not rigid.
• Exercise consciousness. Something tells me it won’t be very hard for you. I can list things like meditation, yoga, jogging, playing a musical instrument, etc. We are all different; anything that you enjoy and what helps you go deeper.