I have had a hard time admitting that despite the amount of energy I put into developing myself, I did not seem to make lasting progress. There were times when I felt I was making real progress but I “fell back”. And there have been parts of my life where I found I simply could not make any progress and was just “going circles” without meaningful results. I had the chance to talk about this honestly with like-minded people and kept hearing pretty much the same: “I don’t know why my self-development doesn’t seem to progress.”
In this article, I do not want to talk about the probably understandable frustration that comes when we all want more progress. But rather the painful fact that it is possible that we cannot make progress for a long time. And why it may be.
The below are two just ideas. I do not suggest by any measure that they are universally true for everyone. Please treat them as such.
Idea #1: Trauma
Trauma keeps us blocked. And we keep going back to it, bumping into it. Until the trauma is released, the ‘block’ will stay there.
(Even if we are truly aware of what our trauma is, we may not be able to release it for a very very long time. We are afraid to face it, we may need to fully understand it, work on it a lot, ask for help, go through it. I am not talking about this situation in this article. There is progress here, there is work being done – even if we argued that one doesn’t put enough work into it, doesn’t take it serious.)
But trauma can be tricky in a number of ways, to say the least:
You are not aware that you are traumatized
“It is hard to understand the evidence if I don’t know what crime has been committed.” So simply put, you are not applying the right approach. I appreciate that there could be a lot of depth to discuss here, but this article is not an in-depth discussion about trauma.
You are not able to phrase your trauma or have a “twist” in your thinking
So you are aware that you are traumatized but you can only phrase it in a vague and shady way. This is very common. (I would argue that this is probably common with childhood trauma from which we usually do not have a clear memory. So what happens is that you have a hard time knowing what you need to work on exactly to make the next step in your self-development.
About the “twist” in your thinking note: As a result of trauma it is common that we form a mindset (logic if you will) that is not real – it was an “answer” back when the traumatic event(s) happened, but in fact it does not resemble reality. (Again, just a high-level description of what may be blocking you from connecting the dots about something.)
Idea #2: Disorganized attachment style
Have you ever heard of attachment styles? There are four patterns of attachment (Ambivalent, Avoidant, Disorganized, Secure), and the Disorganized Attachment Style is very common. It brings a level of confusion, disorientation, lack of clarity into our life. I personally think that a disorganized way of relating to the world around is a major obstacle to progress. I know it sounds overly simplified but this is how I put it for myself: “How do I know if I am doing the right thing if I am disorganized?”.
(If you want to read more about Attachment Theory, here is a good article: “What is Attachment Theory?“)
(I would like to highlight again that the above are only ideas or food for thought to find why someone may not be progressing with their self-development.)
