There are many articles, lists, and how-to guides on how to set healthy limits and what those may be. Yet, most of us struggle to set and keep those limits. Why is that? This article discusses some of the possible underlying reasons why we are not able to develop those healthy limits. There can certainly be many ways to look at this and I also agree that there can be many reasons. Yet the following is valid and effective in my experience.
The reasoning
- Here is how I phrase it: “My behavior with my limits derives from my relationship patterns, from how I attach to others, and from my unmet relationship needs.”.
- Let’s go deeper: “I am not able to keep my healthy limits because I have an unconscious need that I am – unconsciously – trying to satisfy and I have the belief that I have to give up my limits.”
- Let’s go one level deeper into this belief: “I need to open up. I need to let that person come close (I need to go closer) so that I can have my needs met finally from her or him. From her or him…”
Try it out. Use your self-awareness and self-observation and decide for yourself whether it has merit in your life.
Some possible needs that I want to satisfy
The need to feel that deep oneness with the other
We all want to experience this deep, happy, gentle togetherness. If we are lucky then we get enough of it – so much that we become certain that this oneness is always there in our life. Most of us do not find that we have enough of this. And we want to use every opportunity to get it and we certainly want to experience this through our relationships.
My need to rescue the other
This has to do with fear. It sounds romantic that I want to rescue the other but what is happening probably is that I am afraid to be left alone. Psychologists say that ‘rescuers’ mirror their need to be rescued.
My fear of losing my safety
Look at this in an abstract way. For many of us, this feeling is much in front of us that we do not realize that this may be our main theme.
My anger
Is my anger because I feel that my limits are actually invaded? Or am I angry because I don’t get what I want (and the very reason I open up my limits is to get what I want)? Both can cause anger. And countless other things.
What I may experience when my limits are developing
- Fear. I will sometimes want to go back to being ‘dependent’. It is because I got used to that state. I will catch myself faster by the day when I fall back and it will become easier to be comfortable in my new reality as I practice it.
- Change in my relationships. For the better for me but maybe not for everybody around me. Those who want to control or manipulate me will probably want to drag me back.
- More empathy. (This may sound controversial.) I am able to listen to the other person more genuinely because I am less concerned about myself. Keeping my own limits will actually help others to learn from me and keep theirs too. Not in my old ways but I will be able to help others much better too. Oh: Having healthy limits doesn’t mean that I lose empathy. It has to do with how I use my limits.
- More self-confidence. Certainly.
(This article doesn’t discuss situations like when your limits were or are currently seriously abused, the many ways we understand limits, the positive side effects of having loose or weak limits, etc.)
