Self-Observation on my desire to achieve something big

• I can only think of my life that it must be a success story. By success, I mean something big. Anything else is almost meaningless and is many times just a waste of energy. 

• It is putting a burden on everything that I do in my life.

• Nothing is good enough.

• It feels good to think about the time when I will be truly successful. 

• This is an order I have given myself. I feel I need to sacrifice myself for this.

• This goal is not a cause but an effect. I understand from books, psychologists, and others that this is a sign that I have low self-esteem. I don’t see it this way. 

• I allow no real playfulness for myself. Now I realize that I sort of look down on people who are not hard-working super-achievers. 

• Everything is hard to achieve. Close to impossible.

• I do not allow myself to fail. 

Chain of thoughts coming when I am able to go deeper

• I think I have set this goal for myself. I don’t remember when. But it is coming from me. At least this is how I perceive it.

• My mindset is such that everything is very serious. 

• I identified my life with this goal.

• I just now realize that I have set myself a goal that is impossible to reach.

• I also realize that there is something paradox in my thinking: I set a goal that is near-impossible to reach and only then I will be fine. But: I sort of ‘know’ that the only way to reach it is if I change completely. Then sadly it means that I must have a problem with my own self. 

• Can I only reach what I want if I change myself? Is this a good logic and life goal?