The bridge between a vibrant and a grey life. 

What is this mild sadness in me that is almost always here?

You probably feel it too that the word “mild” matters here. I label it mild because the world around me is telling me that it is natural, it is ok, “Everybody has this, why are you so sensitive?”, “Nothing happened! Shut up and carry on.”

I also find it mild because I can still live with it. However, this sadness is blocking me, and I just don’t know how to overcome it. I tend to think that this is mild on purpose: This way, I have a harder time figuring out how to approach it and work with it. It feels as if a cloud is walking with me to keep me in the shadows. 

If I look at this as if it were something that was put on me, and not something “I caused myself”, then I get very angry. My intuition tells me that this view is much closer to reality. This mild sadness in me isn’t ok, it isn’t natural. It isn’t something that I “made”. 

So what’s up?

I can tell myself that this mild sadness is a form of depression. That it developed due to some loss, or due to something I should have gotten, but didn’t. I can say that we are all born with the inner knowing of how much our human life is worth, and the enormous potential that is in all of us. And I will be correct. I could continue to go down the rabbit hole and work on this mild sadness with great discipline. I have done that, as most of us. It worked up to some level. 

But I say a HUGE NO this time. I say, this is spiritual bankruptcy. I say no, I am not going to play this game of trying to get out of this sadness by trying to correct myself. There is nothing to correct. I say: Leave! I see you now, I see you are doing this for your own benefit, and I don’t let you be in my yard anymore! No more talking with an intruder, masculinity in use now!  

(Please note that I am not implying that one shouldn’t work on their sadness. But I am saying that there can be another way out too.)