Does this resonate with you? “I can’t relax because that would mean that I had to give up my present life.”
I am trying to phrase the same thing in another way: “I am afraid to relax because then I would not know what to do.”
Maybe one step further?: “My stress keeps me together and I am afraid I would lose control if I relaxed.”
One step further?: “I can’t relax because I am afraid I would lose my consciousness.” – to me personally, this is the closest to reality. This is pretty paradoxical.
(One more: “I can’t relax because I am afraid my life would open up too much.”)
Understanding of causes and effects
Depending on how deep you go there are different understandings about the same question.
I could have given this answer: “I can’t relax because I am stressed.”. Probably true. And then my job would be to find why I am stressed, and eliminate it.
But the above doesn’t say this. It says the “Obstacle I have is my fear of losing my present life”. I personally believe that this understanding is one step further than the one that states that the core of my problem is my stress. Why? Because the thought “I can’t relax because that would mean that I had to give up my present life.” doesn’t state why I cannot relax but it already states what effect my inability to relax will have. And that implicitly means – there is a good probability – that you have already ‘cooked’ this question already in yourself. I know it may sound pompous.
It also explicitly means that you are already interested in the next step. And also maybe you have no problem staying in the tension that your present inability to relax causes you.
(There is no problem in staying on a ‘higher level’ – it is not a race. Maybe that is what you need to solve what makes you suffer. But if the suffering doesn’t end, chances are there is a need to go deeper.)
Phrasing my problem and my answer to why it is happening
Note: All the above cause-and-effect reasoning may sound very logical but the thing is that insights come out of our ‘no thingness’ – our consciousness. Maybe what happens is that we are, or we become capable of receiving and understanding some things.
Anyways. Do I need to be able to phrase my problem? We are all different so my answer is: Not necessarily verbally. Maybe in another way. But you need to express it, name it, and paint a picture in your mind. When you do that, you create an opportunity for yourself to let that thing go. Actually more than letting it go, but integrating it. You become more ‘anti-fragile’ when you process it.
I have written a separate article about an effective method of how to phrase my problems. It is here: The strength of phrasing my problems in a short and basic way. This article also contains a useful method: What is behind my constant restlessness?
The work to be done
We all wish it was so easy to become conscious about a problem without much labor. I singlehandedly figured out that until this happens, there is hard work to be done…
The above is just one idea of why you may have a hard time relaxing. So here are some other starting points. I am putting in some links to other articles on Self Chatter as to a large extent this site is about understanding ourselves.
Fear, anxiety
It sounds obvious and this is why it is important. My experience shows that I just simply miss the ‘obvious’ in trying to figure out why I can’t relax and why my thoughts are constantly racing.
Am I afraid of losing my safety?
Hustle culture
Today’s culture demands us to always be on the edge. We do not necessarily have to have any personal challenges in our life; It is all too easy to fall victim to the hustle culture around us.
Confusion
I find that this is important. I believe that one of the leading causes of why we can hardly relax comes from our confusion. It is so easy to overlook that “My main problem is that I am confused.” because – Well… Because I am confused and do not know what to do. It is like my confusion is sitting on top of everything.
Inherited behavior, mindset
Put simply, we inherit unfinished business and behaviors. Nothing that we have ‘done’, things were just passed on to us. The main reason it is hard to connect those dots and become conscious of them is that they have been with us since childhood.
Shame, expectations towards me
Clues: Shame easily causes us to be on constant alert. Shame keeps us thinking all the time. Shame is a form of fear.
There is a connection to the above ‘Inherited behavior, mindset’ chapter: Shame is intergenerational.
My anger and tension because I don’t get what I want
Again, it sounds obvious. Don’t we get tense if we do not get what we want? Imagine if this need is unconscious: What if we just have a constant feeling that we are lacking something in our life but we don’t know what? Here is an article on this: I have been waiting all my life.
