Why do people shame each other? We immediately recognize and admit that it exists almost everywhere, yet it is not obvious why people do it. And I don’t think we realize how widespread it is in our everyday life.
Shame is arguably one if not the biggest obstacle to happiness. And probably one of the greatest sources of human suffering. A lot can be said about shame and our attempt with this small article is to touch on some main aspects of it and to talk about the actual act of one person shaming the other. Take the below as some food for thought.
What is shame?
It is a form of fear. Social fear.
What does social fear exactly mean here? It means that it comes from and through our relationships with other people.
There are two types of shame
Healthy shame
The general mindset: “I have done something not quite right.”
Healthy shame helps me to function well in my relationships and in society. In plain English, when I do something not quite right, it is ok to feel ashamed about it. It is generally somewhat easy to acknowledge it and change my behavior. The key here is that I realize that I did something not quite right and I know that there is nothing wrong with me as a human being.
Toxic shame
The general mindset: “There is something fundamentally wrong with me.”
Toxic shame touches the core of my being. I find that it is not that I did something wrong but it is my whole Self that is defective. I question my whole being and as a consequence, I do not see a way out.
Toxic shame develops early in life
This is very controversial but probably there is truth to it: If someone has a well-developed sense of self it is very improbable that he/she will develop toxic shame in such a state of being. But the early stages of self-development are very delicate and can be very bumpy. Imagine this real-life example: One of the crucial steps in the development of a healthy self and a healthy ego is healthy narcissism in the early years of life. A small child, at one stage of development, will “fall in love” with herself. She realizes that she is capable of amazing things, and she realizes how great she is. What can be less healthy than this realization? If all goes well then this small child steps over this and goes to other steps of self-development. Well, in our present culture and society, this hardly ever goes well. Instead what happens painfully many times is that the parents (or other “grown-ups” around) will shame that small child for acting so “shameless”. Why? Because the child’s behavior triggers their own toxic shame and they do not realize that the child’s shameless and grandiose behavior is healthy at this stage, it will resolve – well, if we let it or even if we help the child. This is one of the ways how toxic shame is unconsciously passed on from generation to generation.
Why do we develop shame?
Shame is very social, and very relational. Only social beings are capable of developing shame. Shame can be thought of as a mental construct to how we relate to the world around us. A common real-world example: My mother shamed me and as a small child I “had no other option or another idea” than to internalize it and accept that “I am a flawed person”. My mother meant everything to me, she was my source of love, safety, joy, etc. It was at that time impossible for me to comprehend that she was wrong. Not to mention the unthinkable possibility that she wanted something bad for me.
How shame is a form of fear
I am afraid of losing my safety, I am afraid of losing love, I am afraid of losing connection.
One of the main effects of toxic shame is addictions
Toxic shame is unbearable to the point that we need to find some sort of remedy to it. One of the most common coping mechanisms is addiction.
Shaming
Such an effective way to control someone and limit someone’s life. Someone shames me, I question myself, I start to lose my self-confidence and dignity, I start to internalize it, get confused, anxious, and be in panic. I start to behave in ways I would otherwise not do – I basically lose myself and lose my limits. Easy to become a target to predatory people and manipulation.
The above is a conscious act. Another common act is when people unconsciously pass on their own shame. After all, shame is a mental construct regarding our social connections – passing on the hot potato has been an idea for many. If the receiving end is perceptive and allows it then it offers relief for some time.
If you wish to go deeper a fantastic book on the subject is John Bradshaw’s ‘Healing the shame that binds you’ – Learn more
