“My ego is playing a trick with me; This is why I find that God doesn’t help me.” If this resonates with you, this exercise may be valuable to you.
Self-observation on why God doesn’t help me
- I need God to help me; I feel miserable.
- Why doesn’t God help me? It doesn’t make sense. I am in need.
- Ah ok. I look at God as someone whose job is to help me. Then my relationship with God, and the way I look at God may be all wrong.
- I made God into an entity whose sole job is to help me out. A savior.
- I also think of God as someone outside of me. Someone, something separate from me.
- I understand these and still I feel miserable and I am close to giving up.
- I feel that I have to make the first step. Not God. But I cannot say why. And it doesn’t make sense to me that I have to take the first step. As I am in need.
- Oh, I think I know: God is in me. I am essentially a part of God. If I make the first step, God will respond. Hmm; This is good but it doesn’t help.
- Maybe this helps. My ego is playing this trick that it makes me feel that I don’t have enough.
- Why does my ego do it? Ah, ok; This is the ego’s trick to make the right for its existence. If there wasn’t a problem, my ego would not have a reason to exist.
- I mean my ego is making me unsatisfied and this way I identify with my ego. And what my ego wins ultimately is existence.
- My ego has to keep me unsatisfied and miserable. Otherwise, it would become obvious that it doesn’t really exist after all.
- Meditation helps when I can just observe my thoughts ‘from the outside’ and keep in mind that they are just thoughts. Not me.
- I understand why I find that God doesn’t help. But I still feel miserable. Something still needs to change in my understanding.
- I still find that things are unfair. And I am in need. And I don’t really have motivation.
- I still have this mental construct that I am missing something and someone or something needs to give it to me. This is how I look at God…with this need…
- No wonder I do not find God, cannot believe in her. God isn’t this.
- Who has to do the first step? God or me?
- This question only makes sense with my ego’s logic.
- Of course I have to do the first step! There isn’t actually such a thing as ‘first one’ or ‘second one’ to move. This is an error caused by my perception.
- I take the first step as soon as I understand that there is no need for anyone or anything to save me. I am not in need actually.
The above self-observation exercise is just one possible flow of associations. It is meant to stimulate you and by no means it is implied that it is about you.
(If you are new to the concept of self-observation or looking for some practical guidance then maybe read this article: How Self-Observation Works)
