Self-observation on why I don’t have self-confidence

• I always fall back.
• I always question myself. I become anxious. 
• I am just afraid I will screw it up.
• This has to do a lot with how I relate to people. Even if my lack of self-confidence shows up everywhere. 
• Right now I am angry. My anger has to do with someone abusing my limits. 
• Sometimes I just feel like giving up. Then it is not anger. But sadness.
• I don’t dare to confront.

• I try to convince myself that I am worthy. 
• And I am trying to convince others that I am worthy. In all kinds of ways. Sometimes I am trying by being overly kind and ‘forgiving’. Sometimes I am trying with aggression.
• Many times I just lose my consciousness when the situation gets too tense. I mean when I am trying to convince the world around me. I either overachieve or underachieve.
• I just don’t know what causes my lack of self-confidence. 
• This works! I need to find what causes it. 
• What is the real root cause?
• Am I not good enough? That is hardly the answer.
• …
• It is not because I don’t trust myself. Indeed, I don’t trust myself but it is not the cause.
• This is the real root cause: I don’t have self-confidence because I am afraid to lose my sense of safety.
• This sounds strange but it is true.
• In other words, I don’t have self-confidence because I am afraid!!!
• I am afraid of what others will say. 
• When I really think about it deeply, this is what I see in myself: When I look at myself in times of lack of self-confidence, I see that I start to question myself because I start to think about what others will think. And this is why it is the real cause.